What You Shouldn’t Buy on Black Friday

coach mittens

It’s Black Friday, and as always, there’s a culture war afoot. There’s an inherent tension between those who love to shop on Black Friday (and Thanksgiving night) and those who loathe the materialistic mobs. There are moral questions about the implications of Black Friday on retail workers, as well as philosophical questions about whether we, as a society, really need that much STUFF at all.

I’ve swung on both sides of the pendulum — some years, I’ve stayed home and abandoned all shopping. Others, I’ve risen like a rooster at 5 a.m. to get my hands on a coveted item. (Inevitably, these items wind up not being worth the effort or hoopla it took to acquire them.)

This year, I’m somewhere in the middle — I’ll be shopping, but only online. (It’s the only proven way to prevent death by retail stampede.)

As always, I’ve been on the hunt for this season’s most ridiculous fashions. Here’s a rundown of the 5 things you shouldn’t buy no matter how cheap they get on Black Friday.

  1. J. Crew Buffalo Check Sequined Pants
$248 (30% off with code HOLIDAY)
$248 (30% off with code HOLIDAY)

These pants remind me of the golfing slacks my grandpa used to wear to the golf course. But in this incarnation, Peepa got clocked by a disco ball and left for dead on the concourse.

My point is, these are really bad. And I have no clue why most of the sizes are already sold out.

 

2. Anthropologie Turia Faux Fur Collar

$138
$138 (25% off with code SHOPTOIT)

I’m already prejudiced against faux fur, but this flammable nonsense is inexcusable when it comes dyed in Slytherin colors and finished with a dominatrix belt buckle. It’s like a little furry straitjacket — for your throat! Faux fur acolytes, I think this is fashion’s method of Darwinian-ism.

3. Goop Flight Pack

$185
$185 (25% off with code 25OFFLOVEGOOP)

Y’all know I can’t get enough of either Gwyneth Paltrow or her e-commerce mecca, Goop. But I’ve had some major beef with what she calls her “travel tips,” which probably include wrapping yourself in a cashmere cape made by the designer who owns the jet in which you are flying.

On Thanksgiving, GP released the news that she had developed a kit of flight-worthy supplies: “The linen pouch is filled with every wellness essential imaginable to get you through a long-haul trek, each one in its own dedicated compartment and conveniently sized (with the TSA’s blessing) to fit in your carry-on.”

Since I’ve to a 16-hour flight to India coming up, I immediately checked it out. Turns out, $185 won’t buy you a lot in Goop land — the kit includes a pair of dinky-looking headphones, a sleep mask you can probably get at Marshall’s, several packets of Vitamin C and some antibacterial wipes.

The good news? There were SOME good ideas in this quartet of pouches, so I’ll be making my own Franken-version of this kit, and I’ll share the results after my trip to India!

4. Valentino x Goop “Wonder Woman” Jacket

$7,800
$7,800

Speaking of Goop, the site IS running Back Friday sales on everything except its designer selections. (Which basically means almost nothing is on sale.) Goop’s latest designer collaboration was with Valentino — together, they created a capsule collection inspired by Wonder Woman. The entire collection is absurdly over-priced — the cheapest thing is a cheesy studded bracelet for $275.

But I almost choked on my turkey when I saw this military jacket, which retails for almost $8,000. It is 100% cotton and covered in star-shaped studs. That’s it. It’s an egregious cash grab for an item with little inherent value, which is truly embarrassing. The plus side? It reminds me of this quote from Working Girl:

5. Coach Sheepskin Mittens

$295
$295 (Up to 30% off with code THANKS2015)

Just what the world needs. A pair of insanely expensive, sheepskin oven mitts.