What’s Up With J.Crew Lately?

boringjcrew

Uh, oh.

J. Crew is back in the hot seat — and not just here at Catalog Police. The fashion world was abuzz with the news that J. Crew is actually recommending $450 “wedding shorts.” Normally, I’d fear that such a desperately out-of-touch design meant that J. Crew was on the fast-track to the land of Cache. But Jenna Lyons is no fool: I think the wedding shorts are just another example of the brand’s shrewd techniques to drum up attention for the brand.

Well, I am more than happy to oblige: Let’s review the latest lookbook.

$168 Regent Chambray Blazer
$168 Regent Chambray Blazer

This blazer’s collar comes PRE-POPPED. This is another example of J. Crew taking all the freedom out of their clothes — every quirky detail is pre-planned and constructed for the lowest common denominator, aka the typical mall consumer. Come on, J. Crew — even Scott Disick doesn’t stoop to this degree of laziness.

$168 Sleeveless Jumpsuit
$168 Sleeveless Jumpsuit

The catalog bills this polyester onesie as an “instant outfit.” I’m being completely sincere when I declare that the fascination with jumpsuits NEEDS TO END. Jumpsuits look good on 2% of the world’s population, magnify your panty lines AND are completely impractical if you ever plan on going to the bathroom. Let’s dump this trend already.

$158 Marlow Mules
$158 Marlow Mules

What is the worst crime a retailer can commit? Is it simply being irrelevant? Being overly reliant on 1970s trends? Or is it creating these monstrous shoes and hoping we won’t notice they’re as sexy as a bowl of Raisin Bran?

$178 Shimmer Tweed Dress
$178 Shimmer Tweed Dress

J. Crew’s “corporate woman” is dreary indeed. I’ve seen better swatches on my dermatologist’s waiting room couch. Where is the innovation? Where is the inspiration? Where is that intangible quality that makes me stop, find my credit card and hit buy? I don’t want to be the anonymous woman in the gray sheath.

Then I looked at the kid’s department.

$98 Sateen Stripe Dress
$98 Sateen Stripe Dress

This girls’  dress is absolutely adorable. Its pleats, ribbon belt and geometric print are the perfect marriage of feminine and sporty. It’s a dreamy dress, perfect for both the office or a date, and it makes me yearn for spring. Why on earth isn’t this available for adults?

J. Crew, you’ve got some explaining to do…. right after I check if that girls’ dress is available in my size.