Catalog Police: Alexander Wang for H&M Edition

Ohhh boy...

Today’s Catalog Police is a little unorthodox because the subject is not an actual mail order catalog. Instead, we’ll be covering the full lookbook from the much-anticipated Alexander Wang for H&M collaboration.

I’ll preface my critique by stating: These looks were developed for a fast fashion clientele and do not echo the versatility, quality and uniqueness of the mainstream Alexnader Wang luxury line. These designs are a faint echo of Wang’s talents. (He is also the head designer at the House of Balenciaga, which is even further removed from this collaboration.)

Let’s get started. First, I think you should know that this is collection is themed.

The inspiration? The gym, my least favorite place on earth.

Right away, I was skeptical. Are these clothes for actually working out? Post-workout dash to the bodega? Maybe this is just for people PRETENDING to go to the gym.

Screen Shot 2014-10-16 at 8.25.46 PM
What I’d wear to a funeral at Madison Square Garden.

I’m soooo glad shower shoes are continuing their Renaissance unchallenged and unchecked. And this version is leather (and $80), making them totally practical for soaking wet feet.

Screen Shot 2014-10-16 at 8.26.34 PM
She forgot her sports bra.

My biggest pet peeve with cheapo collaborations? They are often more sexualized and contain less material than the designer’s true aesthetic. Look at the Alexander Wang shirts available on his actual Website — not a nip slip among them. (Do women with less cash deserve less shirt? Discuss.)

Screen Shot 2014-10-16 at 8.27.37 PM
Perfect for sitting around the chateau when you have zero intention of actually skiing.

If you are wearing an enormous parka, chances are, you won’t need skintight shorts and open-toed shoes. (But those goggles are a nice homage to the sartorial genius of Nsync member Chris Kirkpatrick.)

Screen Shot 2014-10-16 at 8.27.58 PM
This is just unfortunate.

Two words: Penis Hat.

Screen Shot 2014-10-16 at 8.29.03 PM
Is there a mission to the moon later?

If Jacques Cousteau did a collaboration with Payless, this would be it. (Truly horrific, I can’t believe these made the collection.)

Screen Shot 2014-10-16 at 8.29.18 PM
How many logos can you count? I counted 54.

This combines several outdated trends into one skintight monstrosity: Logomania for a nonluxury collection? Check. Skintight bodycon? Check. Bandage construction that’s a total ripoff of Herve Leger? Check.

And is that necklace made from a luggage strap? Checkmate.

Screen Shot 2014-10-16 at 8.31.21 PM
An outfit that should never leave your apartment unless…

If you need to buy tampons from the bodega at 3 a.m., this is your look.

Look, I get it. Alexander Wang is unquestionably one of the most successful designers of all time, thanks to his geometric cuts, high-tech knits and accessories that toe the line between classic and quirky. But this collaboration is completely unrelated to his “model off-duty” aesthetic. (Probably because he didn’t want to cannibalize the success of his T by Alexander Wang diffusion line.)

But this collection is solidly rooted in gym clothes — and it would have made more sense to collaborate with Adidas or Nike. (I am not convinced ANY of these clothes are engineered for the high-performance of actual athletics.)

This was a missed opportunity. But I’ll reserve final judgement until I see the collection in person next month.