Tory Burch’s Snooze-Worthy Gym Line

tori1

As this post publishes, I am either en route or just landing in Mumbai for a 3-week trip across India. I’ll be blogging and Instagramming from the road (follow along at #TSPofIndia). But first, I have one more non-India-related post in the queue. Today, we’ll be addressing the category of clothes I can’t seem to shut up about: athleisure wear.

Specifically, Tory Sport — Tory Burch’s foray into what is quickly becoming an overheated category.

tory2
Bra: $65; Jacket: $325; Shorts: $70

Tory Burch is best known for her ubiquitous $225 logo ballerina flats and penchant for preppy attire and interiors soaked in a 1970s Howard Johnson color palette. (Think orange and turquoise.)

But Tory is placing big bets on the athletic arena — the company fired 100 employees in mid-December order to free up some capital to further invest in the athletic category.

I don’t own a single Tory Burch item, but I was still curious to check out the Tory Sport line. If anything can make me a convert to a brand, it’s a well-designed pair of leggings. (For example — I had never owned anything by Mara Hoffman either — but look at these adorable bird leggings!)

So I am sorry to say that I disappoint you… but this line is not good.

Like this $110 T-shirt:

Performance Top: $110
Performance Top: $110

Staggeringly boring patriotic colors. Cheesy slogan striped across the sleeve. Random, useless pocket protector-esque detail. At best, this is the kind of shirt you get for free at a regatta. A worst, this belongs in the Tommy Hilfiger clearance bin circa 1998.

tory3
Track Pants: $135; Turtleneck: $225

This outfit is much better. That said, the model looks like she’s been sponsored by NASCAR.

Although you can’t go wrong with a classic turtleneck, the price is still wildly inflated, considering you can buy a cashmere sweater at Athleta for the same price. (The Tory version is a cheaper, less luxurious fiber.)

tori1
Sweater: $295; Bra: $65; Skirt: $165

Uggggggh. The stretchy skirt is an atrocity — like if Adidas collaborated with Brooks Brothers to expand into corporate suiting.

Pearl Sneakers, $350
Pearl Sneakers, $350

Behold! This is the first — and likely the last — pearl-crusted sneaker in existence. I get that Tory doesn’t want to compete with Nike, but this shoe is not even on the same plane of existence as the rest of us. I actually kind of like it — in that jodie-laide/ugly-pretty kind of way — but it’s more appropriate for a resort collection than a sportswear collection. the good news? It will probably be on sale in 2016!