The Good, the Bad & the Rest: Golden Globes 2015

When I watch awards shows, I never actually watch the awards. Once the millionaires start congratulating themselves, I fast-track to takeout and Netflix.

But I ALWAYS tune in for fashion parade. Awards show selections tell us a lot about the personalities of the celebrities wearing them — and even a little about where prom fashion is headed in the coming year.

This year, there was plenty to dissect. Let’s save the best for first.

Best Dressed

Lupita Nyong'o
Lupita Nyong’o

Lupita Nyong’o’s gown was a swirl of lavender and cream, crowned with violets. In a sea of sameness, Lupita’s gown was the most daring, the most whimsical, the most dreamy, the most ethereal. The best red carpet clothes can tap into magic-dusted, far-flung destinations. Like Cate Blanchett’s Galliano hummingbird dress, this dress will be seared in my mind for years.

Second Best

Sienna Miller
Sienna Miller

Sienna Miller’s pearly Miu Miu gown could have bordered on bridal territory, but the deep neckline and unusual length save it from looking too much like a wedding cake.

Sienna’s red carpet looks have always been punctuated by quirky, well-chosen details. Here’s another one of my favorites of Sienna’s look, back when she was dating Jude Law. (This was pre-nanny.)

My all-time favorite Sienna Miller look.
My all-time favorite Sienna Miller look.

There were other fashion daredevils at the Globes who deserve some kudos.

The Fashion Lovers

Keira Knightley
Keira Knightley

I know, I know. Keira’s neckline looks like it’s a Elizabethan bib. The pilgrim petticoat hemline isn’t too sexy either. But there are plenty of redeeming qualities, including the feathers fluttering across the bodice and the butterfly perched on her wrist.

But unlike Lupita’s dress, Kiera’s Chanel gown is an extremely literal interpretation of a garden utopia. It’s a dress only Chanel lovers can appreciate.

Emma Stone
Emma Stone

Emma Stone’s Lanvin pantsuit is a real rule-breaker. It’s also undeniably chic. I wish every young women had the nerve to wear pants to a formal event. (If I could go back in time, I’d wear this to prom.) I only deducted points for the bedazzled tube top — if this has been a creamy, lace blouse, it would have inched up my rankings.

Not every starlet embraced new silhouettes or adventurous details. There was a veritable army of fashion robots parading the carpet.

The Clones

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Rosamund Pike

Rosamund Pike gave birth just 5 weeks ago, so I’m not going to quibble about her figure in this Vera Wang gown. She’s lovely. But the bodice needs to be hiked up about three inches, her chest needs more support and it looks like a mere sneeze would send her straps skidding off her shoulders.

To illustrate my point, there were plenty of better-executed white cut-out gowns on the carpet. Let’s take a gander.

Emily Blunt
Emily Blunt

Emily Blunt’s Michael Kors gown is a complete snoozer, but at least the thick straps are providing a modicum of support. The cut is also more body-conscious. Unlike Rosamund’s dress, which shows the entire shape of her hips and waist, this triangle cut-out leaves more to the imagination and is more flattering.

The New It Color… Isn’t New at All

Left: Naomi Watts in Gucci | Right: Michelle Williams in Vera Wang (2006)
Left: Naomi Watts in Gucci | Right: Michelle Williams in Vera Wang (2006)

Pantone may have named marsala as 2015’s official color, but buttery yellow ruled the carpet last night. The first head-turner came from Naomi Watts, who paired her canary column with red lips and a diamond-encrusted snake. Trouble is, it’s an exact dupe of Michelle Williams’ 2006 look, which employed the exact same elements. (The plagiarism is more stark since Michelle and Naomi have such similar coloring.)

Soon, the whole evening became an endless stream of strapless, yellow columns, like a pencil parade.

Jenna Dewan-Tatum & Leslie Mann both wore buttery shades.
Jenna Dewan-Tatum & Leslie Mann both wore buttery shades.

The funny thing about yellow? When everyone’s wearing it, it becomes as boring as black.

The Tin Man Cometh

From left to right: Dakota Johnson, Julianne Moore, Diane Kruger, Reese Witherspoon
From left to right: Dakota Johnson, Julianne Moore, Diane Kruger, Reese Witherspoon

In addition to yellow, there was another prominent color family: disco ball. Everywhere you turned, there was another platinum gown constructed of sequins, pailettes or lamé.

This is another case of over-exposure. One gown is fine, two is dicey — but four? The trend is dead.

When in Doubt, Buy a Wedding Dress

From left to right: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Salma Hayek, Chrissy Teigen
From left to right: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Salma Hayek, Chrissy Teigen
Kate Hudson
Kate Hudson

There’s something unfortunate about so many wedding-esque gowns at an awards ceremony — I subconsciously compared it to a convention for jilted brides. I wish California’s stylists would band together and decree a season-long suspension of all white dresses for awards season — unless there’s a taxidermic swan attached. (Sue me, I liked the swan.)

The Biggest “Whoa”

Jessica Chastain
Jessica Chastain

Jessica Chastain has built a wonderful career out of tackling difficult roles. Her work in Zero Dark Thirty is powerful and masterful. So when she showed up in a dress that seemed so incongruous with her powerful image, I was disappointed. She belongs in something better than a “Versayce” from the Showgirls strip mall.

Still, she gets points for bucking public perception. These next examples are repeat offenders — for repeating the same outfit every time they’re near a podium.

Most Predictable

Jennifer Lopez
Jennifer Lopez

J. Lo certainly has a comfort zone. She always has a man waiting in the wings. She always has a light spackle of Cheetos crop-dusted across her skin. And she always wears some version of sparkly nude. What happened to vintage J. Lo? The woman who sashayed across the stage in mint green capes, leaving a bewildered Ben Affleck in her wake? I miss her.

Speaking of comfort zones…

Jennifer Aniston in Saint Laurent
Jennifer Aniston

I wonder how many black dresses Jennifer Aniston owns. I’m leaning toward FIVE THOUSAND. The woman wears nothing else. This dress is so basic and anonymous, I have a hard time believing that Saint Laurent even designed it. What a huge missed opportunity. Jennifer’s been out of the limelight for years, and this was a golden opportunity to make a sartorial statement. Hmmm, she should have worn gold.

Missed Opportunity

Amal Clooney
Amal Clooney

Like the rest of the world, I’ve swiftly come under Amal Clooney’s spell. She is everything we wish we could be — multilingual, uber-powerful, altruistic. After drooling over her wedding week wardrobe, I fully expected a gown of monumental proportions. Instead, I got a black dress from the “Jennifer Aniston’s Leftovers” yard sale and a pair of white gloves straight from a child’s Cinderella costume.

The Biggest Mistakes

Ruth Wilson
Ruth Wilson

This stiff cornstalk of a gown is as appealing as a golf course paved with Astro Turf. The blue piping bisects her figure, mimicking a plastic surgeon’s doodles before the first incision. In addition, the blue fabric has been purposely frayed, bearing an unfortunate resemblance to something Tin Gunn would have rejected on Project Runway.

The Franken-Gown

zosia mamet
Zosia Mamet

Zosia Mamet’s gown has a split personality. The cappuccino-colored bustier wants to crawl onto Renee Zellweger, and the bottom yearns to be strapped to Gwyneth Paltrow. The resulting frock, a mix between a mushroom and cotton candy cupcake, has done one thing right: It unites us all in revulsion.

Do you agree with my assessments? Moreover, did I leave off any other egregious offenders? Let me know in the comments!