Catalog Police: Revolve Spring 2015

fruitdress

The last time I reviewed a Revolve catalog, I brutally critiqued the brand for shooting their hyper-sexualized catalog using a high school as a backdrop. It was tasteless in a creepy, “barely legal” way.

The company’s spring lookbook just dropped, and there’s some good news: The witty, prolific Twitter star, Chrissy Teigen, is the model! Unfortunately, the clothes are as cheesy and non-interesting as ever. The skirts are short, the sunnies are mirrored and the hair is… extensions. What horrors await us?

freezersection
This dress seems really uncomfortable.

Oh, geez. Where do I begin?

For one, why does this photoshoot take place in the grocery store? (Not even one of those fancy vegan supermarkets with an entire aisle devoted to granola!) This fluorescent-flooded space looks like a Pick ‘n Save circa 1996.

Then we have Chrissy’s pose, which looks like some sort of bathroom emergency. The juxtaposition of skimpy clothes, weird setting and uncomfortable poses reminds me of this advertisement:

jennymccarthy
Remember this?

After Chrissy uses the Pick ‘n Save bathroom, she takes the opportunity to change into a ho-hum skater dress.

fruitdress

Once again, this grocery setting seems completely forced. It reminds me of college, when students strapped in teetering heels and too-short dresses would wander around Albertson’s for a pre-game fix before hitting the cub.

It’s also reminiscent of the movie Go, when one of the characters has a drug-fueled fantasy about dancing an erotic version of the Macarena in the fruit section.

I don't want to know what she's going to do with that banana. (Scene is from the movie Go.)
I don’t want to know what she’s going to do with that banana. (Scene is from the movie Go.)

Next up? An ensemble Paris Hilton probably wore for those long hours in court-mandated traffic school.

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Let’s see. Bathing suit as shirt? Check. A pair of shorts cut so high, they could be called coochie cutters? Check. We’re just on trucker hat away from this:

2004 was a low point for fashion -- and for Britney.
2004 was such a low point for fashion — and for Britney.

And this next outfit isn’t much better:

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More proof that money can’t buy taste. This entire outfit costs more than $600, but it looks like something you could easily cobble together from the thrift store. (PS: I’m pretty sure I saw a more attractive version of this $215 palm tree skirt 4 years ago — at H&M, for half the price.)

Perhaps I’m just a coupon-clipping geezer, but I just don’t get these clothes. But I THINK I’ve figured out why Revolve chose a grocery store as its setting: to copycat last year’s Chanel RTW runway show, which was set in a fictionalized supermarche. (Here’s a video — well worth a watch.)

Many magazines blatantly coped the grocery store fashion concept — such as the Kristen Stewart editorial in Elle below. But Revolve stands alone in its ability to zap all charm and irony from the setting. (A bodega would have been a more inspired and quirky choice.)

Produce is so hot right now.
Produce is so hot right now.