Catalog Police: Revolve Autumn 2014 Edition

This week, I received manna from the mail-order gods: a new catalog that ISN’T J. Crew. That means it’s time for Catalog Police, my weekly critique of retail crimes committed against American shoppers.

Today, we’re frisking Revolve. Let’s welcome the newest gals on the cellblock:

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Revolve: A merry-go-round of horror.

Revolve’s e-commerce site boasts 30 million page views per month. Despite those impressive numbers, I’ve never bought a single thing from them.

Now I know why.

Debbie Does Doily.

Bright side: I found my Tonya Harding Halloween costume. (FINALLY.)

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Totally appropriate for Christmas Mass at the strip club.

Wait. Why are there lockers in the background? Are these clothes aimed at HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS? Oh dear god, I need to lie down.

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Suddenly the Carrie necklace doesn’t seem so bad.

This Babe dog collar will be a priceless heirloom to pass on to your daughters.

Oh. Sexy school girl. What a refreshing, brand-new concept.
Oh. Sexy school girl. What a refreshing, totally new concept.

I just realized I forgot to tape The Brittany Murphy Story on Lifetime.

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Frederick’s of Hollywood: Super Bowl Sponsor

A lingerie-inspired football jersey: Just what the NFL needs right now! Surely, it can’t get any worse… right?

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Exactly HOW did I get on this catalog’s mailing list?!

Okay. It just got worse.

Revolve, I’m sentencing you to 20 years in a high-security insane asylum for peddling demeaning , tacky clothes to kids. And I’m gonna need you to stay 500 feet away from all high school women’s locker rooms.