Happy Friday, and welcome back to Catalog Police, my weekly critique of mail-order horrors. As magistrate, I’m here to defend customers from obnoxious merchandise, abusive air-brushing and half-baked style selections.
This week’s perp is Spanish retailer Mango, one of the jewels of Europe’s cheap-chic triumvirate. (The other two are Sweden’s H&M and Spain’s Zara, of course.)
Truth be told, I’ve never gravitated toward Mango’s designs. I pop into the 34th St. location frequently, and over the years, I’ve only made one purchase — this dress.
Still, I was excited to browse the latest offerings. And then I saw this:
I know a lawsuit when I see one — this is blatant forgery. Here’s a supply chain recommendation: Don’t source your bags from Chinatown.
This outfit is less “supermodel off-duty” and more “hot wing coma during Sunday night football.” Do not attempt.
Like Don Johnson, Scarface similarly demands his pants be as white as his stash.
Statement tees that make no statement whatsoever. (At least the “selfie” tee includes a definition of the word.)
Contouring before your workout is a MUST. Just suck in your cheeks and press your face into Valentino’s pillowcase.
Mango, I’m convicting you on several charges of design plagiarism, and I order you to pay restitution to Phillip Lim and Al Borland. (Tony Montana is already dead, so I’ll let that one slide.) I also order you to stay 500 feet away from all contouring cosmetics, including but not limited to: brushes, powders, creams and/or Valentino’s personal spray tanner.