Catalog Police: Mango Autumn 2014 Edition

Mango Fall 2014 Catalog

Happy Friday, and welcome back to Catalog Police, my weekly critique of mail-order horrors. As magistrate, I’m here to defend customers from obnoxious merchandise, abusive air-brushing and half-baked style selections.

This week’s perp is Spanish retailer Mango, one of the jewels of Europe’s cheap-chic triumvirate. (The other two are Sweden’s H&M and Spain’s Zara, of course.)

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Proof that if you pay them enough, supermodels will wear ANYTHING.

Truth be told, I’ve never gravitated toward Mango’s designs. I pop into the 34th St. location frequently, and over the years, I’ve only made one purchase — this dress.

Still, I was excited to browse the latest offerings. And then I saw this:

I smell a lawsuit.
On the right is the Phillip Lim’s Pashli Satchel, which retails for $825. On the left is Mango’s TOTAL RIP-OFF, which is $49.99.

I know a lawsuit when I see one — this is blatant forgery. Here’s a supply chain recommendation: Don’t source your bags from Chinatown.

I don't think so Tim.
I don’t think so Tim.

This outfit is less “supermodel off-duty” and more “hot wing coma during Sunday night football.” Do not attempt.

Put that gun down, you're BOTH under arrest.
Put that gun down, you’re BOTH under arrest.

Like Don Johnson, Scarface similarly demands his pants be as white as his stash.

Selfie is her nom du guerre.
Abercrombie is pissed they didn’t come up with these.

Statement tees that make no statement whatsoever. (At least the “selfie” tee includes a definition of the word.)

A natural look that only costs 3 hours at your local Sephora.
She woke up like this.

Contouring before your workout is a MUST. Just suck in your cheeks and press your face into Valentino’s pillowcase.

GAHHHHH.
GAHHHHH.

Mango, I’m convicting you on several charges of design plagiarism, and I order you to pay restitution to Phillip Lim and Al Borland. (Tony Montana is already dead, so I’ll let that one slide.) I also order you to stay 500 feet away from all contouring cosmetics, including but not limited to: brushes, powders, creams and/or Valentino’s personal spray tanner.

  • Gigi Hayek

    This is hilarious. Way way way too much contour, yes. You crack me up x

    • http://www.TheStylePragmatist.com/ Diana @ The Style Pragmatist

      You are too kind! And yes! The contouring was out of CONTROL. No wonder women have complexes about make-up at the gym.