Catalog Police: J. Crew Nov. 2014 Style Guide

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Happy Friday! Welcome to Catalog Police, where I review various catalogs and lookbooks to pinpoint the bad, the mediocre and the over-priced.

Today, we’re dissecting J.Crew’s latest style guide, which is awash in a sea of sweaters, scarves and puffer vests in colors spanning oatmeal and cotton candy. The assortment is as exciting as a shot of sodium pentothal — but like a police chase, I can’t look away.

Before we begin, I want to point out that this is J.Crew’s style guide — meaning the retailer is not only showcasing its clothes, but creative ways to wear them. This oughta be fun.

Girl, I'm with you.
St. Patricks Day came early.

The color selection — a bizarre melange of moss, sea-foam and brown-green — turns this model into a paint swatch. (Do not attempt without the assistance of your local Benjamin Moore representative.)

Warning: Sweater is non-ergonomic. Unzipping said sweater will dislocate your arms.
The non-utilitarian zipper. My favorite kind.

Warning: Sweater is non-ergonomic. Unzipping said sweater will dislocate your arms.

A great find from the 1988 Jamaican bobsled team garage sale.
This entire outfit cost $601. YES I AM SERIOUS.

These pants were a great score from the Jamaican bobsled team eBay auction.

Behold! A $75 sweatshirt. (If you pay that price for this, I'm snapping your credit card.)
The half-tuck continues its attempts for world domination. I remain immune.

Behold! A $75 sweatshirt. (If you pay $75 for a sweatshirt, please snap your credit card.)

Mrs. Brawny Man goes to da club.
Mrs. Brawny Man goes clubbing.

This is the Shoney’s Buffet of trends, complete with a half-tuck and elastic-waisted gym pants. Things get weirder with the dual lumberjack shirts, which are straight out of Home Improvement.

The normcore style icon.
A normcore style icon.

Until next week, my fellow Pragmatists! May your defenses against the over-priced and the mediocre stay strong.