Catalog Police: J. Crew August 2014 Edition

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Say what you want about the e-commerce “takeover” — retailers still love to send snail mail. Judging by the number of catalogs I receive, brands must be destroying millions of trees per month, all in the faint hope I will somehow be swayed to buy a $250 faux leather sweatshirt. Most of the catalogs come from brands I don’t even recognize. (What is Boden, and how did they find me?!)

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This dog is on loan from the L.L. Bean collection.

But J. Crew is easily the worst offender: Every month, their catalog drops like a heart attack, clogging the mailboxes of America with bland, over-priced clothing dreamed up by their fearless leader, Jenna Lyons. Jenna deserves some props for saving J.Crew from a post-recession shutdown — but now every blogger and retailer is mindlessly copying her look, down to the fake librarian glasses and half-tucked tees. What was quirky is now a uniform — and someone needs to take the clones down.

Welcome to the first edition of Catalog Police.

I've been dying for not one but TWO zippers that do absolutely nothing.
Oh thank you, J. Crew. I’ve been dying for a sweater with TWO zippers to nowhere.

Cheap merino wool coupled with pointless zips just itching to snag your clothes. No wonder it’s only $89.95.

SAY NO TO STATEMENT SWEATERS.
JUST SAY NO THANK YOU.

Wear this to your annual review: You’re gonna need to convince someone you deserve a raise in order to afford $65 statement sweatshirts.

Shower shoes are back.
I’m so mad I threw away my shower slides in 9th grade.

JV soccer teams, rejoice! Your shower shoes are perfect for both foot fungus prevention AND the homecoming dance.

Look on the bright side: No one can accuse these ladies of trying too hard.
Untucking your shirt will add 15 minutes in your morning routine. Plan accordingly.

I can’t even crack a joke about the inanity of purposely untucking your shirt. Look, if your shirt doesn’t fit in your jeans, your pants are too tight.

On Wednesdays, we wear... gray.
On Wednesdays, we wear… gray.

Oh, good. This season’s hot new color is… sweatpants.