Catalog Police: Free People September 2015

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Welcome back to Catalog Police – where I wield a samurai sword of justice against retail atrocities being perpetrated against innocent consumers. This week, I am judge, jury and executioner in the case against Free People, a repeat offender. Will Free People live up to its moniker? Or will I sentence them to my Google spam folder and throw away the key?

Let’s proceed with the cross-examination:

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After gorging on fringe, balloon sleeves and Carmen Sandiego hats, this coat was eventually found bloated and unconscious in a Blockbuster parking lot.

She’ll shower when Scotland AND Tibet are free.

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Those. Shoes.

New Coke launched a customer riot — yet we remain silent on “socks with sandals.” America, get your act together.

This Rorschach Test will be administered in a Freudian nightmare.

Psssst. Your ovaries are showing.

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Your Chewbacca costume has arrived.

Jacket is 100% Vegan, 100% Recycled, 100% Informercial Mop.

The emperor has no underwear.
The emperor has no underwear. (And I can see your thigh gap.)

This completely transparent dress will soon star in Pretty Woman 2: Still Won’t Let Her Shop on Rodeo Drive

Free People, you’re facing multiple charges of careless design and wonton disregard for public decency. Here’s your plea bargain: 6 months community service — assisting those who were BLINDED by your creations. I also order you to cease and desist all production of your “pubic X-ray” pants.

Now, get out of my chambers — and send in Anthropologie.

  • http://seelark.com/ knivesliao

    This is such a hilarious post. I think you nailed it. Looks like Free People really took the term “boho chic” to levels it didn’t need to go to :-p

    • http://www.TheStylePragmatist.com/ Diana @ The Style Pragmatist

      Thanks for the kudos!! This breaks my heart too — I used to really love Free People.