Catalog Police: Free People August 2015 Edition

I adore Free People -- but they still get the sword this week.
I adore Free People — but they still get the sword this week.

It’s time to unleash a new series of snark on the latest catalog to land on my doorstep. This week’s victim is Free People — a brand I actually love. (I wore their clothes almost exclusively for my Moroccan honeymoon.)

But lately, the assortment has been hit-or-miss, mostly because the brand can’t decide who actually buys their clothes. Judging by the number of transparent dresses paired with thigh-high boots being peddled, they’re clearly courting the teenyboppers fresh from Wet Seal University. But then there are the afghans and batik-printed maxis aimed at the corny faux-hippies who wouldn’t know a flax seed from a pepita. (They’re totally different, people.)

I show no mercy. Let’s do this.

A $128 sweater that can't decide if it wants to be a dress.
A $128 sweater that has big dreams of one day becoming a towel dress.

You’ll need something better than a welder’s salary to justify the price of this Flashdance homage. (Leg warmer-esque socks are not included but can be purchased for an additional $24 on page 4.)

Hitchhike in this dress, and you're guaranteed a free ride. (I won't say on what.)
I do not recommend standing on the side of the road in this outfit. The cops might get the wrong idea.

You might go broke buying this $468 outfit. But if you hitchhike in this dress, you’re guaranteed a free ride. (I won’t say on what.)

This shirt is $68, but the unflattering bulges are free with purchase.
This shirt is $68, but the lumpy fabric puckering is free with purchase.

If a shirt can be this unflattering on a MODEL, imagine the horror on an actual human. I can’t believe this even made the catalog.

Money buys no class: This entire outfit costs $1,402.
Money buys no class: This entire outfit costs $1,402.

An unholy communion of Diane Keaton up top and Britney Spears (circa 2007) down below. Great option for a job interview at a nudist resort.

Stop trying to make overalls happen.
Stop trying to make overalls happen.

It’s official: normcore has jumped the shark and kissed the third rail. Even the leopard jacket is trying to free itself from the clutches of this PTA turtleneck disaster.