Catalog Police: Anthropologie Holiday Lookbook 2014

Christmas is less than two weeks away, and Anthropologie wants you to know IT HAS GIFTS FOR YOU TO BUY! I took a look at the selection, and I can confirm that Anthropologie has plenty of gifts for the people you just HAVE to buy for — like your tax preparer at H&R Block, that discreet Walgreens cashier and your favorite Subway sandwich artist.

Here are the 5 most ridiculous gifts available at Anthropologie. (Coming to a clearance bin near you on Dec. 26 — so consider celebrating Christmas in Q1 2015!)

Faraday Porteur Electric-Assist Bicycle -- $3,500
Faraday Porteur Electric-Assist Bicycle — $3,500

This bicycle is more than $3,000 — but ASSEMBLY IS REQUIRED. I’m sorry, but at that price, I’m gonna need a butler to attach the seat for me.

Perfect for: Gwyneth Paltrow Goop subscribers.

Hand-Stitched Rag Doll -- $168
Hand-Stitched Rag Doll — $168

HELLO CHILDHOOD NIGHTMARES. These creepy ballerinas come straight from the Chucky factory, ready to prance into your heart — and eat your face.

Perfect for: Kids with excellent mental health insurance.

Hand-Felted Lhasa Throw -- $128
Hand-Felted Lhasa Throw — $128

Save yourself the cash and just steal an airplane blanket and paint the edges. (Sell them on Etsy and say they’re handcrafted by the indigenous population of the nomadic United American Delta tribe.)

Perfect for: People who don’t have their own bedding.

The Hinterland Mug -- $72
The Hinterland Mug — $72

A mug with half a handle? Why not just dump a cup of coffee on the recipient and get it over with? (Don’t forget to include a gift certificate to a dry cleaner.)

Perfect for: People who don’t spill. Basically, no one.

Gilded Pretzel Bottle Opener -- $10
Gilded Pretzel Bottle Opener — $10

The least ergonomic bottle opener EVER. You should probably tell the recipient it’s a quirky paperweight.

Perfect for: That friend who has everything, including a ski chalet in the Alps. Her yacht might need a bottle opener, who knows?