Catalog Police: Anthropologie November 2014 Edition

fishermen

Happy Friday! Today’s Catalog Police focuses on Anthropologie’s latest catalog, which is a mixed bag of mid-market bohemia and inappropriate hiking outfits.

Confused? Me too! Let’s dig in.

patchworkjeans
One of Annie’s sidekicks escaped the orphanage.

If you’re stumped on a holiday gift for the Oliver Twist in your life, fear not! I’m sure these $158 patchwork jeans will be on clearance in no time.

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Someone call the cops.

Her outfit is fine, but I’m not interested in a dress that comes with a side of CREEPY OLD MAN. (I like those creepers’ Jacques Cousteau jumpsuits, though. Of course, they’re not for sale.)

Hiking shoes are not required for the Anthropologie corporate retreat.
Hiking shoes are not required for the Anthropologie corporate retreat.

If you’re planning on wearing 3-inch heels on rocky terrain, do it before the Republicans start dismantling Obamacare.

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A dress that takes you from office to riverbed.

I will grant Anthropologie a certain degree of creative license — but she looks like she’s about to lead a boardroom meeting for a bunch of bullfrogs and deer.

(Side note: I really discourage companies from churning out catalogs rife with unrealistic, stilted POSES. This looks like an outtake from a 1960s edition of Seventeen magazine.)

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PUT EVERYTHING WE HAVEN’T SHOT ON THIS MODEL.

What a mess. Let’s start from the top:

The trapper hat you’d stick on a child’s head so they won’t get lost on the school ski trip. The corny medallion necklace straight from The Craft. The lumpy pencil skirt made from couch upholstery. (Let’s call it a crayon skirt.) Then the baggy normcore shirt that for god’s sake, NEED TO BE TUCKED IN. The Sorel boots will probably be the only runaway hit this winter, thanks to residual Polar Vortex hysteria.

This catalog, for all its blunders, is still an improvement over Anthropologie’s last effort. (Remember the demented “baking housewife” theme?) But this month’s “story” is just as confusing (Scandinavian Seniors Retreat?) and would be more at home in a Boden catalog.