The Grammys: More Thighs Than a Bucket of KFC

Taylor Swift

Ahhh, the Grammys. Otherwise known as my annual marathon of yelling, “I don’t know who half these people are!”

That sentiment certainly rang true last night — I only recognized about 60% of the statue recipients. Even so, I had plenty of opinions on the contents of the red carpet. Let’s take a look at those who stood out — for better or for worse.

And I’ll make this short and snappy, like so many of the sausage casing dresses we’ve seen on the Grammy red carpet through the years. (Zing!)

Best Dressed

Zendaya in Dsquared2
Zendaya in Dsquared2

Ever since Yves Saint Laurent unleashed his Le Smoking tuxedo for women in the 60s, I’ve slavishly adored the look. If I were gonna go to the Grammys — or Oscars, or Emmys or any other awards show — this is what I would wear. (Another gorgeous example: Emma Watson in YSL.) I must admit, I do not know any Zendaya songs — or indeed, who she is — but I applaud her pitch-perfect homage to the most foolproof formalwear of all time.

Now, let’s move into or less successful looks. The next three ladies have one big thing in common: They are SERIOUSLY channeling Angelina Jolie’s 2012 Oscar one-legged look. (It’s the meme that keeps on giving.)

Biggest Angelina Wannabe

Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift

Oh, honey. Must we do this? Must we flap open our gown to show off our fuchsia underwear as we accept our awards?  Must we attempt a “takedown” of one Kanye West, when he’s already the biggest tool of his own demise? (Emphasis on tool.) Rise above it, my dear. And please, wear a whole shirt next time. This is a red carpet, not a prom afterparty at the Shoney’s buffet.

The Angelina Leg Award, Volume II

Lady Gaga in Marc Jacobs
Lady Gaga in Marc Jacobs

If Bowie and Superman shacked up, adopted a baby and wrapped it in a kimono and strapped it to platform ballet shoes, this would be the result. I don’t hate it.

The Better-Than-Angelina Leg Award

Ciara
Ciara

Judging by the sour look on Ciara’s face, it appears as though someone stepped on her train as she exited her limo, and a third of her dress was shredded away. That would explain this tattered mess. (The dress, what’s left of it, actually looks very pretty. I wish I had gotten to see the whole thing.) But let’s turn our gaze to the well-defined, better-than-Angelina’s leg before us. Who is her Pilates instructor? And more importantly, does this studio have franchises in NYC?

The Little Miss Grammy Award

florence
Florence Welch in Gucci

The baby pink. The sequined dragonfly. The gauzy dust ruffle. Is this a gown or a Laura Ashley crib circa 1980? I can’t believe this is Gucci. Tom Ford never would’ve unleashed such an infantile creation.

Most Unfortunate Design Details

Vanessa Lachey
Vanessa Lachey

Girl, I think your bikini waxer missed a spot.

Points for Effort

Janelle Monae in Jean Paul Gaultier
Janelle Monae in Jean Paul Gaultier

At this point, I’ll take anything. This look isn’t wholly successful (the hat is a little Cellblock Sally), but  I like the shape of the unusual skirt and those boots are killer. I’ll take what I can get.

Biggest Snoozer

Adele in Givenchy
Adele in Givenchy

Two words:

Amish. Funeral.

Do you agree with my take on these picks? Sound off in the comments, and share your own favorites!