Last night’s Oscar looks were among the most boring in recent memory — and that’s saying A LOT.
I suppose it’s only fitting that the lukewarm Fashion Week is so closely followed by a ho-hum Oscar red carpet. As the New York Times noted, the current zeitgeist has no zeitgeist. (If this were the Matrix, fashion would be the spoon.)
In no official order, here are my unadulterated opinions on last night’s most notable looks.
This look belongs in two places:
- A geriatric cruise
- A thrift store once the geriatric cruise-goer passes on to the red carpet in the sky
My biggest pet peeve is when young starlets wear dated clothes that make them look DECADES older. This could be straight off a Golden Girl’s back — and the shoes “dyed to match” is corny overkill.
I briefly retired from Internet trolling when I saw Rosamund’s fiery lace gown. She looks absolutely smashing. Then my eye trailed down to her shoes and I started groaning — the matching shoes move the otherwise fabulous ensemble into bridesmaid territory. (It’s a small quibble, but give me a break — her stylist should know better.)
Another day, another red carpet snoozer from Reese. The only remarkable thing about this dress? It is skintight with ZERO panty lines. (Don’t tell me she went commando, this is Elle Woods we’re talking about.)
Scarlett’s hourglass figure looks spectacular in this emerald column gown — although the racing stripes across her chest were completely unnecessary. But the fringed necklace served no function other than act as a neon sign for the aforementioned chest. It’s too obvious for my taste, but it’s not a deadly fashion crime.
Here, we have the opposite problem. Cate’s necklace is absolutely fantastic, but the drab, black sheath is like a coffin where fashion dreams go to die.
Let’s talk about the downside of continuity — Jennifer Lopez looks exactly the same every year, from her never-changing face and cut-to-navel silhouette to the perma-bronzer and boring nude- sparkle poof dress. If fabric could talk, I’m sure this dress would yawn. (And I’ll bet her shoes were dyed to match, too.)
Speaking of predictable Jennifers, here’s another painfully boring gown, replete with all the usual trappings: the nude color (ugh), the beading (double ugh), the matchy-matchy shoes (seriously, just kill me). Let this serve as evidence that being rich and beautiful does not automatically make you fashionable.
When I saw this dress, I practically cheered. The baby pink hearkens back to Gwyneth’s ingenue days in the 90s, but the asymmetrical, exaggerated rosette is very NOW. I would wear this dress in two seconds. In fact, I wish I could go back in time and wear this at my wedding. (Disclosure: I love GP and worship at the altar of Goop, so take my praise with a grain of macrobiotic, organic salt.)
In theory, I know this dress is beautiful and that Keira looks lovely in it. However, I do not endorse handwriting on evening gowns, even if it’s hand-embroidered by half-blind, couture-trained nuns. (I hated it even more when Angelina and SJP tried the trend.) The combination of the cursive with the florals seems like an Ed Hardy version’s of formalwear.
But let’s end on a high note. I loved Naomi’s metallic gown. The fabric is unique, like a snake dipped in molten platinum. The built-in bandeau was a fun nod to visible underwear — and more approachable than Reese Witherspoon’s invisible pantyline. And the vampy lipstick added some zest to a red carpet awash in dead corpse lips.
What do you think? Sound off in the comments!