Unsolicited Opinions on the Oscar Red Carpet

kerrywashington

Once the red carpet parade has concluded, I normally don’t bother watching the entire Oscars telecast. Not so this year. I stay tuned in for the whole broadcast, which included much-needed commentary on diversity, politics and Girl Scout cookies.

I think we learned a lot last night. About the implications of the Oscar boycott. That the Academy had taken concrete steps to ensure diversity going forward. And that Whoopi Goldberg has lots of tattoos. (Seriously, did YOU know that?)

I’m going to leave the analysis to those who are better qualified and stick to what I do best — complaining about the red carpet craziness.

Here’s my take on what went down.

Best Make-Up

Naomi Watts in Armani Privé
Naomi Watts in Armani Privé

Naomi Watts looks like a kaleidoscopic mermaid. The dress itself is a little 1994 Mary McFadden for my taste, but what can you expect? Her husband picked it out. Naomi is included in my line-up simply for showcasing the life-changing capabilities of red lipstick — if you wear it to the grocery store, the produce department is your red carpet.

Best Color-Blocking

Mindy Kaling in Elizabeth Kennedy
Mindy Kaling in Elizabeth Kennedy

I am such a sucker for black and blue dresses. This graceful column is stupendous on Mindy. Sleek. Sophisticated. And with that blue train, a little superhero-y. Perfect from top to bottom.

Best Newcomer

Dorith Mous in Dennis Diem
Dorith Mous in Dennis Diem

I am not going to act like I know who Dorith Mous is. I don’t. But I know a head-turning, career-starting dress when I see one, and this is it. Remember when Jennifer Lawrence showed up at the 2012 Oscars wearing this red Calvin Klein, and everyone wondered, “Who is THAT?” That’s happening here, mark your calendars.

Best Case of Mistaken Identity

Sandy Powell
Sandy Powell

When I watched the live webcast of the red carpet coverage on E!, the panel was raving about the chic pajamas being worn by Tilda Swinton. Nope. Not her. This is actually Sandy Powell, an Oscar-winning costume designer. Even so, this outfit marks the first and only time I will agree with Kris Jenner — yes, this is an awesome outfit. And the Bowie-esque hair is fiery and faboo.

So Close, Yet So Far

Charlize Theron in Dior
Charlize Theron in Dior

I love a good, dramatic red dress. But the deep V is just a little TOO deep, the chain is just a little TOO blingy, the side-boob is a little TOO visible. This dress is a movie I’d rather watch on mute.

BOO-NEY!

Rooney Mara
Rooney Mara in Givenchy

Rooney Mara is so eternally lovely. Such a shame she came to the Oscars dressed as a ghost of a pirate wench. Not sure how I feel about that micro-bun on top of her head either.

Be Our Guest!

Alicia Vikander in Louis Vuitton
Alicia Vikander in Louis Vuitton

Alicia + Yellow Bouffant Puffball + Belle from Beauty and the Beast = the best meme since Octo-Angelina.

Disco Grandma

heidik
Heidi Klum in Versace

How can a dress be both matronly AND tarty? Well, it can be made entirely from pastel tulle and netting. It can be covered in corsages direct from the senior citizen cotillion. And then there can be a slash across the bust — a gaping gash in the Easter basket, with eggs about to spill forth. Heidi Klum’s body may be perfect, but this is still a disaster.

Get Her Some Tape

 

Olivia Wilde in Valentino
Olivia Wilde in Valentino

Am I being a prude here, or is this just a trashier sequel to Charlize Theron’s cleavage-baring dress? I feel like we’re on spring break instead of a red carpet.

I Guess This is Okay

Saoirse Ronan in Calvin Klein
Saoirse Ronan in Calvin Klein

Satires looks lovely in this emerald sequins, but something seems a little off. This is how Atlantic City does prom or what Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface wears to a baptism — it’s strappy, shiny, revealing. I can handle it, but I don’t love the hair, which looks like she air-dried it after a long afternoon in the hot tub. No likey.

NOOOOOOOOOO

Cate Blanchett in Armani
Cate Blanchett in Armani

Cate Blanchett looks like a bin of discount plastic flowers at Michael’s. This is stupendously bad — like Heidi Klum’s dress mated with a mutated marshmallow Peep.

Get Me a Steamer! 

Rachel McAdams in August Getty Atelier
Rachel McAdams in August Getty Atelier

I haven’t seen so many wrinkles on a red carpet since Princess Diana’s wedding to Chuck. Unlike Di, Rachel was going for simplicity. And when you’re a minimalist, everything has to be perfect. Not loving this look — very 90s.

What’s The Safe Word?

Kerry Washington
Kerry Washington

The leather top of this dress is just bizarre, like a dominatrix on her way to the Oscar party at a biker bar. The top is puckered and ill-fitting — even so, it still wasn’t the worst fit of the night.

Worst Dress Ever

Reese Witherspoon
Reese Witherspoon

Reese’s eggplant gown is a mess from start to finish. The woman can’t take a sartorial risk to save her life. She sticks to the same silhouettes and colors for years on end. (Like this. Or this.) This is as stale as it gets, and the stiff bodice looks like an origami swan that’s died mid-flight.

Do you agree with my picks? Sound off in the comments!